Compromise

compromise asian girl with a gun lisa fleming

Since my last personal entry, on being unbold, I’ve really been facing myself on alot of issues – trying to understand things.  I’ve always been curious, since I was an adorable little boy, and that carries through to everything.  Whether it’s about how things work, the details of someone’s story, or even understanding my own self, one of my favorite words in the world is "why".  One of my least favorite words?  Compromise.

I work through things by writing, which is why my more personal entries are so scattered, so, again… this post is nothing more than that – and I’m warning you now ;).  I’m not writing this one to entertain (though I’m hoping to have a fun new series for June… working on that), but to try figuring myself out.  And, inviting you all in to the discussion can only help – either for me to get fresh perspectives or for you to better understand the crazy little man known as Mark Mushakian.

So, why the disdain of compromise?  I don’t know… but that’s what I’m trying to figure out.  It affects everything, including movie-making, but the subject in which it is most prevalent, and in which I started thinking about it again last night was relationships.  Romantic relationships.

Yesterday, Korkie and I were in a bookstore, and we came across one of those "1,001 Romantic Ideas" books.  She started reading through the list, and after each one I made my commentary.  While some were cute or common-knowledge-for-a-good-relationship-y, with most of them I found myself thinking they were silly, stupid, or just plain "wrong".  Haha, as per what I am accustomed to, a few of my oppositions drew from her a look of "Really??" as if I was off my rocker.  I obviously have my own ideas of what is sweet and romantic, but that’s not what drew her attention.  In terms of a relationship, I have no interest at all in entertaining someone else’s notions of romance.  The tip of the iceberg has just just torn through our hull.

If you haven’t been through this conversation with me before, that might sound off since I’m such an easy-going guy.  I’ll do whatever I can, whenever I can to help someone out – but that’s in friendship.  Heck, even with strangers… I’ll give up my time or change my plans.  So, what’s the difference?  First, I’m not really talking about things like time, I’m talking more about principle and opinion.  But, secondly, the difference is that, in my head, if I’ve met someone and chosen to live my life with them – why would I want to compromise?  Let’s go with that last one.

I met a gal about a year ago, and the biggest draw about her was that we were so similar.  So, after a little bit I decided to ask her out.  Moments before I was about to utter the words, she mentioned that she didn’t want to have kids.  I’m not looking to impregnate the woman on a first date, but I could never end up with someone who doesn’t want kids (have you not SEEN my latest review on Babies??) – so why bother pursuing this?  I didn’t.  As time went on, I discovered that she DID like kids, but there were plenty of other differences that turned me off, anyway.  Some of these are big and genuine (even to others), but other differences were seemingly small and insignificant (again, to others).  That’s where my mind frays.  I can’t seem to wrap my head around the concept of wanting to be with someone enough to ignore differences… to compromise.  I’m not talking about her preferring apples when I prefer oranges.  I’m talking about differences that conflict with one another.  Oranges don’t mean much to me, but something like the movies The Dark Knight or WALL-E do, and I couldn’t imagine wanting to be with someone who didn’t love those movies as much as I do.  Yes, we could get along (I have friends who don’t agree with me on everything), but why would I want to?  Basically, as odd as it sounds, I’m looking to meet myself.  Trust me, I am fully aware of whatever thoughts or comments came to your mind as you read that last sentence – I know, it’s a silly concept, but that’s why I’m trying to figure it out.  I’m trying to understand why the heck I am so completely turned off by compromise.

Why does it even matter, though?  Well, when talking with someone in a long-term relationship or even reading some dopey article on Yahoo, what is one of the most lauded aspects of a healthy relationship?  Compromise.  It works both ways, too.  I would never ask anyone to ever do something they don’t want to do, because if someone doesn’t want to do something.. why should they?  It would mean absolutely nothing to me if my significant other did something she didn’t like, just to make me happy.  Actually, it would make me want to leave her ;).  It’s that denial of self that I can’t fathom pursuing in a relationship which is supposed to be the safest and most comfortable of any relationship.  Again, though, I feel like I have to explain.  I’m not talking about being giving, though, I’m talking about… I don’t even know.  Let’s try this.. Santa.  I’ve talked about much I hate the idea of lying to my kids about Santa.  Some people don’t look at it as lying, which it is, but others simply don’t mind.  It’s not a big deal to them.  Okay, I understand… but it is to me.  Obviously, I couldn’t be with someone who DID want to tell her kids that Santa was real (yes, it means that much to me), but I also wouldn’t want to be with someone who thought Santa would be a fun and innocent thing, but compromises and decides to let me have my way on that issue.  It’s like "choosing your battles", another term you’ll hear from couples.  Why, if you have an opinion, would you ever want to deny that in a romantic relationship?

I have a very hard time with this subject, because of all of my self-analytical issues… I have the hardest time explaining this one.  Part of that is because this isn’t a trait that is all bad.  Like my logical, unemotional nature I discussed last week, not compromising can be a very good trait – but, also like my unemotional nature, I feel as if I take it to the extreme… beyond the point of being a worthwhile and valuable character trait.  As I mentioned, it works in my moviemaking, as well.  Compromising a vision often turns me off enough for me to abandon the whole project, and that type of strong ideal can really help push and create great things – but it can also go so far as to keep anything from ever being made, since nothing is perfect.  It’s a delicate balance, a fine line.  Compromise too much, and the value and/or growth is lost… don’t compromise at all, and things can’t move forward.  I dance on that line, constantly.  Sometimes I’m right on spot, and sometimes I go too far toward the side of perfectionism.  Ah, perfection… that pain-in-the-neck word.  So many who give advice are quick to remind that "nobody is perfect" so why should I be demanding perfection out of a partner?  I’m not.  She’ll have faults, as I have mine.  What I’m demanding is that she be perfect for ME, and that is where the concept of compromise boggles my mind.

Here’s an example, as it was an example given to me by someone else.  KB and I are friends, and we’re very open and playful – but we’re just friends.  If I were to meet a gal who felt threatened or insecure about that, I’d be sensitive and hear her out, but I wouldn’t change a gosh darn thing about how I act.  Never in a million years.  Another example, perhaps less obviously about compromise, but I’m going somewhere with this.  If I’m with a gal, and she comes out and asks "How does this outfit look?" I’m going to tell her.  If she just comes out and doesn’t ask, I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell her I think something looks bad (unless it was to her benefit for some reason), but if she asks, why should she expect anything but honesty?  So, what does this have to do with compromise?  It’s compromising the truth and being dishonest – and, I am a stickler on being honest.  That’s what gets me about compromise.  I really wish I could remember some of those 1,001 Romantic Ideas, but regardless, I thought some of them were really stupid.  Some of them Korkie thought were great – and if I was in a relationship with a gal who felt the same, I wouldn’t want to dishonestly do them for her, because to me… it was idiotic.  Heck, like buying a diamond ring.  It’s such a waste of money in my mind.  Again, it’s almost a double-standard.. that I will give things to friends or help them out with things I don’t necessarily value, myself, but in a relationship as intimate as what leads to, and involves, marriage – I put a different set of rules on showing love.

That’s the problem with this topic for me, is that I can’t list every example.  That’s why I LOVE situations like when Korkie was reading off the list.  It helps me understand myself, because I’m able to see my reaction to each situation and its variables.  When I worked with kids, I’d have fun with them for their benefit – I’d pretend to be a monster chasing them around the playground LONG after I was tired… because they loved it, and I loved them, so I did it.  Heck, I’m not a sports guy, but I’d throw the ball around with kids, too.  However, once competition entered the arena, as much as I loved those guys… I had nothing to do with it.  Competition turns me off completely, so I couldn’t compromise that reaction and "fake it" no matter how much I cared about the kids.

Even more than my Unbold entry, I don’t know if I’ve gotten anywhere with this.  This reaction seems to be a mix of my feelings on truth, perfectionism, acceptance… tons of things.  I’m not sure if this is the root of those issues, or if THEY are the root of IT.  The question, though, as always… is why?  How did I come about to be so unflinching over compromise?  It’s not just female-related, because it’s compromise of morals, relationship, truth, social etiquette, everything.  There are things in there that I KNOW are good, but there are also others that, from what I understand from everyone I’ve ever talked to, are NOT good – the problem is, I can’t naturally see the difference.  Just like my lack of any over-emotional reaction, I don’t really see the difference between one situation or the other, but UNlike my lack of any over-emotional reaction – I don’t necessarily see any value of the kind of compromise I’ve mentioned… at least, beyond the facts of reality that I’m told about ("You’ll never find that person" or "Movies aren’t made that way").

I’ve been perusing the pages given when Google-searching "compromise relationship" all day, to gauge my reactions to what I read.  Most of the things I’ll read are the "little things", which are what those romantic ideas from the book that spurred this whole thing are.  Those are the worst things, because unlike something big like no-Santa, these aren’t as understandable to make an argument for not compromising on.  A lot of it comes down to comfort.  I really feel like Italian food tonight, while she really feels like burgers.  What do you do?  You split up, that’s what you do ;).  How can one comfortably live in an environment with someone, day in and day out, where these little details are constantly creating an imperfect environment.  I’ve always heard "Oh, it doesn’t matter what we do, as long as we’re together.. la la la."  Ech.  I get it, it’s sweet, but I don’t care how much I love someone (even friends), I don’t know anybody who could get me to go skydiving.  But she really, really wants to, at least once, and it’d mean so much to her if I joined her because of how much she knows I don’t want to do it?  Here’s that all-important carry-over phrase from my Unbold entry… "I don’t care."  I was out with friends eating at a Lebanese place on Saturday, and there was some stuff that probably included milk.  One of the guys kept saying, "Oh, it’s different… it’ll be okay.  Try some, it’s delicious!"  That risk to me isn’t worth it, so I said no.  He semi-jokingly said, "Oh, you don’t trust me, you’re breaking my heart."  My response?  "That’s alright."  Haha, cold son of a gun.

So, perhaps after all of this, these two topics are more closely linked than I thought.  I’ve never cared about anyone enough to compromise (the "good" kind, I’m not talking about getting loaded and doing lines), but will I?  I was talking with Joe today, and this topic came up, and he basically suggested that perhaps I was just thinking too much about a subject I’ve not had experience with… meaning that I hadn’t been in a long-term relationship.  My concern, of course, is that I’d never even make it to that point.  That’s all this ever is – self-understanding.  I’ve discovered some things about myself over the years that I can work through on my own time, while others will only be solved through the safety of someone else’s love (insecurities, things like that).  That’s why these entries even exist… so that I can face these thoughts on paper, as it were.  Just like my issues with not acting boldly, my issue with compromise is trying to get at my genuine internal reactions… and to separate the excess that has been formed from whatever issues I might have, which is why I see a great value in discovering what those issues might be.  It’s tricky to talk about compromise alone, because you’re not supposed to compromise what you "highly value", and yet… I value so much.  I love hard, I despise hard… when I care (either positively or negatively) I freaking CARE like a motha’, so the idea of simply compromising that care away is difficult to grasp.  Yet, here is the final irony – I care about certain things very strongly, yet usually not enough to react boldly over them.  I’ll stand firm on not compromising, yet when I’m supposed to feel very adamant about something – I don’t.

I think I’m more confused now than when I started… yet, somehow, I think that might be a good sign ;).  We’ll see how far the rabbit hole goes…

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About Mark Mushakian

Just a man who loves God, women, kids, dogs, movies, and every other lovely thing in life :)
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13 Responses to Compromise

  1. Nick says:

    Keep at it boss. You'll figure it out on of these days.

    Like

  2. Briggity Brak says:

    i could swear you're writing about me sometimes…
    The difference here, i think, is that you're much more interested in actually being in a relationship than i am. I wholeheartedly understand your aversion to compromising, or settling, but i'm sorry to say that's just not gonna work. No matter how hard you try, you're never going to find Marcia Mushakian (but if you do, go ahead and send her my way ;). This is why compromise is so important in a relationship. Naturally, people are gonna have certain things that are "deal breakers," but those things need to be very few and far between if you want a realistic chance of finding someone. It's just like the analogy you made to making movies. While refusing to compromise will keep you from making a bad movie, it will also prevent you from making ANY movie.
    On a more important note, who's the chick with the gun???
    <B

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  3. Mark says:

    Indeed, Brian. Very indeed. Being all too aware of it is almost worse – because the brain can't just change natural inclination.

    But, really, I'm sorry – I don't know who she is. She was a random shot I found online.

    Like

  4. Jessica M says:

    From a person with little experience in relationships but a rational mind, let's see what understanding we can find. Sometimes all it takes is a look from another angle to understand something. (I put my thoughts after certain quotes from the blog so I could keep track of what sparked the thought.)

    "I'm not talking about her preferring apples when I prefer oranges. I'm talking about differences that conflict with one another. Oranges don't mean much to me, but something like the movies The Dark Knight or WALL-E do, and I couldn't imagine wanting to be with someone who didn't love those movies as much as I do."

    It is not possible to always agree on every single topic with another person. There would be no individuality and very little discussion. A compromise does not have to be made but there needs to be an understanding. Understand why that person has that point of view. Chances are if your reasoning is logical and sound and the other person is in a rational frame of mind, they could come around to your way of thinking. Then there would be no need for a compromise :-). Since I consider movies a form of art, I would be hard pressed to find someone with the exact same tastes as I do. Art connects with people on many different levels and that connection is at least influenced by life experiences, gender and probably even the mood you are in when you see it. Oh, also the people you are with at the time too, as you have pointed out in some of your reviews.

    "It's compromising the truth and being dishonest – and, I am a stickler on being
    honest."
    "It's that denial of self that I can't fathom pursuing in a relationship which is supposed to be the safest and most comfortable of any relationship."

    Compromising to the point of dishonestly representing your feelings is no way to build a strong relationship. It would only build up resentment and break trust.
    Compromise does not always have to be bad. It is possible to take two things and come up with something better. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the well being of the other person. When preparing meals I'm sure your wife would go out of her way to make sure there was no milk in it, not because she needs it but because it would cause you discomfort. She would sacrifice her time and (compromise works here too) possibly her own tastes to do so and be happy to do it. She can't resent you for being how God created you.

    "Basically, as odd as it sounds, I'm looking to meet myself"
    "She'll have faults, as I have mine. What I'm demanding is that she be perfect for ME…"

    Putting these two statements together, it follows that she would have the same faults as you. That could be dangerous because then there would be no balance; no way to keep each other from indulging in those faults.

    "However, once competition entered the arena, as much as I loved those guys… I had nothing to do with it."

    This one is a bit off topic unless it relates to competition within the relationship, which if one person wants to be competitive and the other doesn't that can be done through another friendship. I think friendly competition is a good thing. Without it, it would be so much harder to improve to be the best that you can be. I don't like competition in the sense that a person tries to prove they are the best and rub it in everyone else's faces. I would much rather work cooperatively toward a common goal.

    "I obviously have my own ideas of what is sweet and romantic, but that's not what drew her attention. In terms of a relationship, I have no interest at all in entertaining someone else's notions of romance…"

    If you have never heard of the book the The 5 Love Languages I would recommend checking it out. The gist is that people have different ways of expressing and interpreting love. What is a sign of love to you, may not be to someone else.

    I think Briggity Brak made a good analogy so to expand on his "deal breakers",
    know what things you feel need to be in common for a relationship to work and what can (or should) be flexible.

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  5. Mark says:

    Welcome, Jess. I have very close friends who don't even stop by my site, so it's always appreciated… haha, and what a way to begin, too :).

    Since I don't have a quote system here (#153 on things to keep an eye out for improving), I'll just quote your comments before my response, so as not to get TOO confusing..

    "It is not possible to always agree on every single topic with another person. There would be no individuality and very little discussion. A compromise does not have to be made but there needs to be an understanding. Understand why that person has that point of view. Chances are if your reasoning is logical and sound and the other person is in a rational frame of mind, they could come around to your way of thinking. Then there would be no need for a compromise :-). Since I consider movies a form of art, I would be hard pressed to find someone with the exact same tastes as I do. Art connects with people on many different levels and that connection is at least influenced by life experiences, gender and probably even the mood you are in when you see it. Oh, also the people you are with at the time too, as you have pointed out in some of your reviews."

    When I was younger, but out of high school, I used to look at the movie Pleasantville and absolutely be in love with the world before it turned to color. I've been a naturally eccentric fellow since I popped out of my mom, and when you're always the individual, it's very easy to dream of a world in which there IS no individuality. I have no doubt that this helped spawn my great dislike of people altering their natural actions just for the sake of accommodating someone else's irrational sensitivity. About movies, though, I think it's because I care about them so much – they mean such a great deal to me, that for a gal to not "get" WHY I love certain ones (why Stranger Than Fiction makes me cry like a retarded baby) and for her to not feel the same way… makes it very hard. And in terms of other art (or even movies) it's about respect, too. I think Monet, and most art, looks like crap. The only kind of painting I'm interested in is nearly photo-real… Norman Rockwell. People like what they like, and I'm all for that – but like I said, for some reason, to get into THAT personal of a relationship with someone who liked something like that, I'd lose respect for the lady – unlike in just a regular friendship, where another person's opinion doesn't affect me.

    "Compromising to the point of dishonestly representing your feelings is no way to build a strong relationship. It would only build up resentment and break trust.
    Compromise does not always have to be bad. It is possible to take two things and come up with something better. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for the well being of the other person. When preparing meals I'm sure your wife would go out of her way to make sure there was no milk in it, not because she needs it but because it would cause you discomfort. She would sacrifice her time and (compromise works here too) possibly her own tastes to do so and be happy to do it. She can't resent you for being how God created you."

    That's what I'm trying to get at in understanding, because when I hear that – it annoys me. She shouldn't resent me, but if she wants to eat and drink milk, she should. She can say she doesn't care, but of course she does – for someone who drinks milk, my stuff doesn't taste the same. That's what I get at… I don't want anyone, ever, giving up something they like, want, or appreciate for me… just like I wouldn't want to live life like that for anyone else. I love people, I make sacrifices, but in a marriage, where it's day-in and day-out… that's not a life I want. I want to be comfortable, and I'd want her to be comfortable. I'm not worth sacrifices like that, and neither is she.

    "Putting these two statements together, it follows that she would have the same faults as you. That could be dangerous because then there would be no balance; no way to keep each other from indulging in those faults."

    Haha, well.. taking from what I said above, I'd like it, actually. Everyone I know always tells me that it'd be horrible for me to meet "myself" (haha, the elusive Marcia Mushakian)… but I think it'd be kind of nice. I make calm, rational decisions – the opposite of that would be extremely annoying for me to try and live with. I'm not perfect, I don't understand myself completely… but I've never understood folks who talk about couples "complimenting" each other in terms of strengths/weaknesses. My parents are "opposites" in alot those ways, and they apparently make each other mostly happy – but I'd hang myself before ever getting into a relationship like theirs.

    "This one is a bit off topic unless it relates to competition within the relationship, which if one person wants to be competitive and the other doesn't that can be done through another friendship. I think friendly competition is a good thing. Without it, it would be so much harder to improve to be the best that you can be. I don't like competition in the sense that a person tries to prove they are the best and rub it in everyone else's faces. I would much rather work cooperatively toward a common goal."

    Haha, this one is something I'm not confused on – I hate competition. Yes, hate… with every inch of my small frame :). Some people enjoy it, some people push themselves by it. To me, it's just annoying. I love working WITH people, as you said, towards something… but if it's against other people, I'm not interested. Even if I'm better at something and I'd win… I want nothing to do with any kind of competition. Whenever I hear of someone getting excited over or seeking out competition I just sigh and shrug my shoulders in disappointment.

    "If you have never heard of the book the The 5 Love Languages I would recommend checking it out. The gist is that people have different ways of expressing and interpreting love. What is a sign of love to you, may not be to someone else."

    I'm sure I've heard of that before, but I just checked it out. Maybe I'll grab the book at the library tomorrow (oodles of free time, and all). Haha, I just did the little quiz (one question) on the book's site, and I'm seemingly a "Quality Time" fella:
    'In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.'
    I don't know… but the "failure to listen" part sounds like me ;).

    Obviously I'm not trying to argue my points… because I'm not trying to prove a point. These are my gut reactions, and what I'm really trying to do is find out WHY they're my gut reactions – because everyone I know points out that they're generally wrong.

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  6. Nick says:

    Not to go all psychology on you, but you mention your parent's relationship and that you would rather being hung than have the same kind of relationship. I think that's a pretty telling statement. You may think of it as one example, but I'm guessing it's your model for what you don't want in every way. And so, you do everything in your power to avoid it. You say they are opposite, so you want exactly you. And honestly, that would be boring. Let's call it the Mark extreme reaction 😉

    That's why it's interesting that this perspective is much more lax with friends. You and I don't agree on a lot of things and I think it only enriches our friendship.

    Now that I'm in a good relationship I can tell you that having general similarities but variances in tastes can be kind of a really great thing. As Jessica mentioned, your experiences with something like film are influenced by who you see them with. I've watched so many things with Bree I never would have before. And truthfully her perspective and love of certain films has made me see them in a new light. And my tastes are expanding because if it. I know you mention the idea of people "complimenting" one another in a relationship. And I think it goes deeper than that. It's important to share very broad interests and ideals. But it's the differences within those likes and dislikes that make it fun. We both love film, but we get to educate each other on the different genres and movies we love that the other may not. It changes you but in a positive way. I know you hate change though 😉

    Ultimately you don't want to be hurt and eventually miserable. Totally understandable. And you use couples you know (especially your parents) as models for what you want or don't want. All very natural. But the point is, don't let these things get in your way. Prevent you from finding something that in spite of what you think you want, might be actually perfect.

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  7. Mark says:

    Haha, it's alright… I'll be the first one to say that my folks' relationship has had profound effect on me. He's very over-emotional.. so I had to fight that when I saw it begin to spring up in myself. They say they're in love, but more often than that I see misery. I want "me" for many more reasons than that, though.

    I don't think our different opinions enrich our friendship, necessarily. I loved Sherlock Holmes, you didn't. What does that do? You loved Avatar, I thought it was lousy… again, what does this gain us? We all know me… I love asking "Why" but knowing why you like something doesn't make me like it. KB's favorite painting is Starry, Starry Night. She can tell me why until she's blue in the face, but I still think it's ugly. So take that into a marriage, to return this to the topic of compromise, if my intended lady absolutely loved some painting and wanted to hang it in our house, and I thought it was hideous and would NOT want it in my house… how does one find that middle ground? More importantly, why would I want to?

    The idea of getting what you never knew you wanted is an interesting one, though. The night before Joe got engaged each of us guys recorded a little video message for the couple to watch later. His roommate, James, mentioned something about how he and Joe had always had these ideas of who they'd want to be with.. but that then Joe'd met someone who was perfect for him, even if she wasn't who he may have originally picked. And that's very true – the gals he was with before were always a bad match, because he was blindly going after a few ideals he'd had in mind. Even The Dark Knight… it wasn't what I expected, but ended up being exactly what I wanted. Obviously, this isn't what this is all about, though. I am fully aware that what we think we want might not be perfect, and vice-versa… but my interest is in the idea of what we LIKE being subjugated to compromise.

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  8. Jessica M says:

    I think I can manage without quoting this time ;-).

    I don't expect you to argue your points since this is supposed to be a discussion ;-).
    The goal of the discussion being to try to help you understand yourself and along the way perhaps I will understand myself a bit more too.

    For the meal example I did not mean to imply that she would give up dairy. It is just easier to make one meal to share than it is two separate ones. Cheese is very easy to add to things later ;-). In fact, we do that for my dad when we make mac 'n cheese. We pull out a serving of noodles before adding the cheese.

    To lose respect for someone just because they like abstract art (not that I do) seems a bit extreme to me. I could understand that scenario in regards to porn (I'm sure there are people out there who consider it art, blah). For things like movies, it is frustrating when someone doesn't understand why you like something after you explain the reason but I wouldn't hold them to feeling the same way about the movie. In regards to decorating, I can understand not wanting Starry, Starry Night hanging on the wall but I don't see anything wrong with setting it as her desktop wallpaper. That extra wall space could then be filled with whatever the two of you can agree on :-).

    I heard a word on the radio tonight on the way home from dinner that got me thinking. Perhaps the word you need is negotiation. Instead of compromising, negotiate a solution. Take the time to find something that makes both parties happy, i.e. even if the spot on the wall stays blank for a while. Heehee, then you could imagine whatever beautiful thing you want is portrayed there ;-).

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  9. Mark says:

    Hmm, negotiate, eh? That almost makes it worse in my head, though… makes it seem like a cold business deal.

    Last summer I wrote a post about my friends-only interest in intimacy…

    http://www.markmushakian.com/index.php?/archives/

    …and the idea of enjoying my solitude always sits in the back of my head. I'm not sure if its relevant, but perhaps it is.

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  10. Remind me to do a research project about you Mark if I get involved with experimental psychology!

    I'm not really sure how much help I could be since you have more romantic relationship experience then I do. I will say that I kind of understand where you are coming from. Right now, I'm happy being single because there is a part of me that likes the comfort of being able to do whatever I want to when ever. I tend not to plan out my day, but to do what I feel like in the moment. This is kind of what the ID in Freudian theory is all about. It's the instinctual thought that, "Oh I want to do this now."

    I take comfort in the fact that I have complete control over what I do (or at least I believe I do). There are sometimes when a family member needs help and I usually help because to an extent I do feel obligated. But, at the same time I do want to help.

    Therefore, I prefer not to compromise if I don't have to. But, part of life is making compromise and negotiating for what you want. I know that when ever I was in love with a girl, she became the center of my world. Had I been able to gain a romantic relationship during those times I would probably have no problem with compromise. The question I wonder about, "Is that because of what we called the 'honeymoon period' of a relationship? That time when those lovely brain chemicals are making me addicted to this one person?"

    For me, I know that I am willing to compramise on some issues. Yes there are some definate "deal breakers" for me. But, that is a small list. Then I have a long list of qualities that it would be nice if I found a girl who had all of them. But, she probably won't. Dr. Phil says that a good idea is to find someone who is an 80% match and then work on growing that other 20%.

    I'm not sure exactly how that works, but I do know as I am sure you do that finding a girl who is 100% a match isn't going to happen. 😉

    I think that when you do fall in love with someone, the little things aren't going to matter and you may find that you ignore those little things for a while. After that phase moves on to long time love you are likely to notice those little things again. The question becomes, can you be ok with compromise in a relationship? For me, I feel that the cliche, "…as long as we are together…" works for me. No matter how much I would rather be at home playing Starcraft or Bioshock I'm willing to go to that ballet. Now, skydiving on the other hand is out of the question for me to.

    But, that's what negotiating in a relationship is about. Yes it's not romantic, but I think it's necessary for a relationship to work. No matter who you end up with and how much alike you are there are always going to be differences.

    And I have faith Mark that when you do meet that right person by then compromising won't seem like you are giving up something of yourself, but you are giving a gift to you partner. If not, then well maybe I should get to work on that Mark Research Project idea.

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  11. Mark says:

    There definitely is that certain comfort level of being unattached and free, though I still ache for some form of intimacy, and I really would love a big family of my own (2 kids at the very least). It's a fine line, and I hope that I don't make it appear that I'm crossing it, between a more childish/lazy "I just want to do what I want" type of concept and compromising comfort on a more personal level. As I said, the idea that someone should give up what they want (no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential) for my sake, when in a close and intimate relationship like marriage where this is a compromise that may affect the person day in and day out… it's horrifying.

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  12. Pingback: A Hoarder Of Memories – www.MarkMushakian.com

  13. Pingback: Why Are You In A Relationship? | www.MarkMushakian.com

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