This was a very interesting summer for me, mostly because of a new friend. I have a little Flash project in mind that I want to do which encapsulates Summer ’09 in a fun and artistic way, but that’s going to take a little while. For now, though, I just want to talk about a big idea I’ve come to over these past few months. The better you know me, the more of a “shocker” this is, but I’m not really interested in having a girlfriend. Haha, and no… this isn’t me outing myself. I’m not looking to meet anyone romantically anymore, but what I’m after is all the more deeper than that.
A number of things happened and clicked this summer, and I was able to see clearly. As a “hopeless romantic” of youthful dreaming, one often hears that “you’ll never find anyone until you’re happy without her.” I always understood that point, but I was still craving something else. There is something I’m after, though – intimacy.
Hear that word, and you might think I’m eager to just get it on with every young gal I see, but I’m talking about the emotional and physical (though innocent and platonic) intimacy of friendship. I was pegged, ever so perfectly, as an intimate person back in May by a friend named Cassie. It’s very true. I love intimate and personal one-on-one conversations with people. I love getting to know them, not as they portray themselves to the world, but as they are. Come June, and I began a friendship with Korkie. She’s a very fun and playful lady, with no qualms about physical contact – which as I’ve talked about in a previous post about physically showing affection, I love – though I’m not used to it. So, with her I had a physical intimacy, with other friends I also had an emotional intimacy, and one day it dawned on me (specifically, the day I saw 500 Days of Summer) – I was satisfied. It took me 27 years of wanting a girlfriend/wife more than anything before I could finally be happy without one (and yes, I say 27 years because I can’t remember a time of life where I DIDN’T want a girl). It wasn’t out of bitterness or anger or frustration or sadness, as it may have been years before. Instead it was a stable and mature reaction that came from really looking at myself. Of course, I went and took it one step further than that.
Both of my closest friends are now in solid relationships, and I’m very happy for them. Taking things back to who I want to be, though, I couldn’t imagine putting one person above all others in my life. That is what you do in a good relationship, and just like working in a corporate office situation… this isn’t something that appeals to me. Again, I have to reiterate that it’s not a BAD thing to have a romantic relationship, but for the first time I was able to healthily realize that it very well may not be for me.
You can’t take this as my hatred of women, either. Are you mad? I LOVE women. I love talking with them, being with them, how they look, everything.. and I have since I was a little kid. I still adore simple love stories in movies, more than anything, and my sense of romanticism is still intact. I have no doubt that in years to come I may find a woman who compliments my life perfectly, and we’ll get married and have 50 babies, because anything is possible, but at this point, I’m not looking for it at all. If it did happen, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to reject it, but I’m very content with a life in which it never happens – and for me, that’s a pretty fantastic (and illuminating) thing to say.
The title of this entry says it all. I love developing relationships with people, women especially, but not at a point beyond friendship. This is how I’ve always been, but for so long I confused my desire for intimacy with a desire for romance – when nothing could be further from the truth.
I really do just want to be friends… and I hope you can believe me 🙂